Expectations

I was driving home yesterday and I thought, maybe I should go and do another stint of being a chef on a yacht, it pays really well and I did a good job of it. But immediately I felt a repulsion to the idea- why?

Because it wouldn’t be like it was before, because I’d have expectation.

I realised that the reason I enjoyed it so much and felt I did such a good job the first time round, was because I had no expectations, there was no pressure and so I was excited by everything I experienced and proud of what I achieved.

Then having thought about it a bit longer, I noticed how significantly expectation impacts my enjoyment of the things I do. Be it a holiday, a date, a job or even just a walk with my dog, as soon as I have expectation for a way it ought to be, I am far more vulnerable to losing enjoyment of it. I broke it appart a bit in my journal and put it down to the pressure that expectation tends to carry with it, it isn’t so much the expectations themselves but the feelings we attach to the outcomes we have predicted and wether or not they occur as we imagined. When I wrote about it I thought well obviously we don’t want to set our expectations too highly or we are likely to be disappointed, this part doesn’t take a genius, but when I look at it from a slightly different angle, the discovery feels far more significant. Not only do I avoid dissapointment, I also achieve more, feel more enjoyment and have a different level of confidence when I go into a scenario without expectation.

A Lil break down…

I believe this is because when I go in without expectation, without plans or predictions, I subconsciously signal to myself that I    Trust myself to handle the situation regardless of the conditions or outcomes. I create a different sense of confidence for myself. I don’t have such a strong urge to control my surroundings because I don’t fear them being different to what I expect.  With this confidence, my thoughts and actions are calmer and often more appropriate to the scenario, in turn my actions don’t just FEEL better, they are better.

PLUS, Confidence is attractive to observe AND it is proven to improve performance (Bandura, A. (1997). Self-efficacy: The exercise of control. New York: W.H. Freeman).

We could ‘woo woo’ this and call it Flow- moving at your own pace, responding to your environment with faith that you are capable and in the right place.

Hang on a Lil second!

Expectation is hard to avoid! It can be helpful! It’s thanks to the bank of information we collate from past experiences and other’s people’s advice that we can be prepared for things, not make the same time-wasting and even dangerous mistakes again.

Sooooo, we don’t want to get rid of them all together then?

This is where separating expectation from pressure becomes the important distinction.

Can we have un-emotional expectation? Can we see our past experience and expectations solely for what they are- predictions and not as a basis of judgement (and more importantly, self-judgement)

It is a Lil tricky to do- but

I have a Lil 2-pronged approach to it

A) be the blind mouse- when I can, if I can e.g. I have never been to the place before, I have never experience the thing before, met the person or had the meal- I completely detatch the expectation part of my brain-

This looks like:

• people ask you how you feel about going, I reply with “I have no idea what to expect, so I am going with an open mind.”

• Planning and packing things that are flexible and not dependant on conditions. E.g. I am going away for a week- I know my usual essentials include an eyemask, enough pants, snacks etc. (This one can be particulalry challenging for me as I like to be super prepared)- I plan for flexibility where I can- have versatile wardrobe, a charger, a laptop, some cash etc.

• Catching the imagination- I can notice myself picturing what’s to come, usually in bed when I am tired- I might start to imagine how I will feel and what I will experience, good and bad. So I practice shifting my focus- thinking about something else, practicing a Lil moment, focusing on my breath. I acknowledge that the predicting is not helpful for me and so I do my best to turn it off.

B) Build ‘independent confidence’

When I have heard lots about the experience from others or I have been and done the thing before and therefore I have a naturally, vivid expectation, it can be far harder to detach from it, it seems too rational and real.

As a ‘hyper-planner’ I think “Why wouldn’t I use my past experience or advice from others to help prepare myself?”

So this is when we make a distinction between the expectations we have from the feelings that we can attach to them.

We use the expectation for predicting practical things, e.g we may see the weather is forecasted to be sunny and that our mother tells us she needed a fan when she went because the room was so hot. But what we work on removing is the emotional attachement we have to our expectations

Then I work on creating the confidence and flexibility despite expectation.

We practice the ‘flow state’ despite expectation- we can work on seeing our predictions as non-rigid and irrelevant to the success of our action. We can remind ourselves of our ability to act and respond according to whatever the situation. We have done it before and we can do it again- not the same thing, but the same style of response- confidence and flexibility.

E.g. I worked on the yacht last summer and did a great job because i went in as a blind mouse, now I have expectations of what it will be like but as I was capable of responding confidently before, I can do that again.

The main idea for me is noticing that I respond better when I am free from expectation- this may not be the case for everyone, maybe not for you! But if you do resonate to the varying confidence that expectation or lack of brings then it might help you to acknowledge it too. Consciousness/awareness and then compassion and empathy to yourself— it’s what I vouch for every time and it’s just as fitting in this case too.

P.S. exciting news about my retreat because I have had such great interest, it is now happening over the weekend 12th-14th September and I have added a space to be filled!

Reach out fast to secure a place.