Over-thinking in Relationships

I have found that relationships are really just the perfect mirror to show you the areas in your life that you need to work on. Now that we’ve clearly established that we are Over-thinkers, I’d like to explore with you where your Over-thinker sabotages you in relationships.

Common ways that our Over-thinkers pop up in Friendships:

• Speculating- “I bet they were talking about me last night.”

• Doubting authenticity- “Maybe they are being two-faced.” “How long will this really last?”

• Assuming the worse- “They didn’t pick up the phone so they must not care.”

• Selectiveness/pickiness/ being judgemental - “they wouldn’t be a good friend to me because…”

• Questioning your validity - “I actually don’t think I am funny enough for them to not get bored of me.”

These may just sound like basic insecurities to you but I want to highlight how debilitating they can be when they never give your mind space.

Many of us are good at pretending they don’t get in the way, or we rationalise them away because they just seem pessimistic and extreme.

But they keep coming back

Because we aren’t addressing the root cause!

As we now know, whenever your O-t starts shouting, it is because a FEAR has been triggered and thanks to the super active, creative brains that you and I have, our coping strategy is to think think think. This makes things far worse for us.

We are, however, likely to have various individual reasons for our O-ts feeling the need to take lead in relationships. It has taken me a while to untangle these pesky, friendship-sabotaging thoughts, but I would like to give you a few examples of what I have discovered about myself that you may relate to or prompt you to realise something about yourself.

Here are a couple of my friendship fears that crop up…

1. I assume the worse when I hear friends whispering because.. I often caught others talking behind my back when I was growing up. It was rational then but it more often than not, unhelpful now.

2. I often doubt that relationships will last… because I have a narrative that I am boring and so when people get to know me they will work it out. This is another irrational fear, I know that my friends get on with me because they find me fun and they appreciate me as a whole person. Letting this fear tangle my thoughts only hurts me.

I find that for romantic relationships, the thoughts are very similar but thanks to the added pressures, they can be much more frequent and extreme.

(E.g.s of added pressures that I feel: it is one person that you have to choose, feelings are stronger and therefore more vulnerable, there can be long term goals attached, expectations feel greater.)

What’s fascinating is how determined my brain is to prove these fears right -  it seeks out and blows in my face anything even vaguely useful as evidence that they are valid. Yet, because my rational thinking is often opposed to these extreme negative assumptions, I end up in a turmoil of thoughts.

So what to do?

Well, firstly, the awareness of the O-t is essential. Once you know what your fears are, you can notice the thoughts that perpetuate them, as just that. Then it becomes less of a battle between your irrational, fear based and your rational thoughts.

Now let’s untangle yours…

Here is a Lil help-sheet to get you going. You might think you know them all already but I recon you might be a lil surprised.

This week’s Lil extra is different to a Lil Moment…

I would like us to try a Lil Challenge… THIS ONE IS A JEM

When you next come across one of these fears, with a friend, on a date or with your spouse, I’d like you to acknowledge it and practice your own unguided Lil Moment of nurture.

Do one thing right then and there that brings you comfort when you are scared.

This may seem counter-intuitive if the fear is that you are boring for example and you are out clubbing. BUT, it can be much easier than you think…

Pop to the loo and for 30 seconds give yourself a loving squeeze and say outloud (if the music is loud enough outside) “I am just feeling scared but I am safe and will be ok.”

Trust me, it is silly and cringe, but magic. It cuts your brain spiralling and makes you conscious, in-charge of your mind! The best part is, you don’t need to have anything with you, you can do it in seconds and no one has to know.

Another option… let’s say you have the afternoon to yourself after having been on a date the night before and haven’t got a message yet. You are hungover and can’t stop battling yourself about why they may or may not like you enough. Start by giving yourself something nurturing, a bath or a walk and a coffee and see how you can cut the spiralling, once you have acknowledged your fear driven saboteur.

Tell me what works for you in the comments below, the more people who share the more others will feel comfortable to!