To be or not to be alone

I’m an extrovert, I’m good with people, I love to socialise and empathise. But I often find that I battle with myself about whether I am better off alone or with others

Now to a non-overthinker, this seems rather ridiculous, why don’t you just roll with what you feel in the moment they might say. But we know things don’t feel so simple for us. Most of the time our heads are too loud for us to listen to our feelings.

This plays a particularly difficult role in romantic relationships and I have really been noticing its impact recently.

The thing that makes overthinking about relationships seems so real, is that another person is involved, so there is seemingly added pressure to “get it right”

And the thing that is particularly difficult about that is that pressure kills pleasure.

So you are likely making it even harder for yourself to feel anything indicative of desire when desperately searching for it.

But we can make things easier for ourselves!

As I promised last week, I’m going to delve a lil deeper into the power of somatic work (really just using your body to release emotions) and this is the perfect topic to illustrate it. Obviously, I’m not a professional, I am not trained and have no qualifications but I have experience and I want to share how it has helped me. Here is a psychologist  explaining it- that backs up my humble enterpretation. 

There are many reasons for being disconnected to our feelings. Sadly, an all too common reason is a trauma response, where our minds protect us from feeling a certain way that it has linked to a traumatic experience/s.

However, by encouraging our bodies to release the feelings that we have been likely suppressing a long time, we are able to undo blockages our minds have created, feeling things that we otherwise might never have known we felt.

In terms of romantic relationships for example, in my case, I find it difficult to discover who I do and don’t feel attracted to. Once the early excitement of a love interest passes, I find myself bombarded by doubts about how I truly feel about that person. It seems like I lose all ability to feel and it’s scary and frustrating as it means I have started and ended, hastily a few relationships that may have otherwise been good for me. I have worked out over time that this isn’t an inherent problem of mine but in fact rooted in a trauma I experienced in my first relationship, where I felt that I wasn’t being entirely myself and honest about how I felt. My brain associated romantic attachement with a fear for that discomfort and so protects me from experiencing it again by dulling down my feelings for intimacy.

Now, I am not suggesting that A) i am totally incapable of feeling connected to people and B) that if this wasn’t a chalenge of mine I’d be super keen on everyone I dated because obviously, I am 20- there are other factors that come into play when determining who you do and don’t want to be with.

However, what I am proposing is that somatic tools help to bring up feelings which gives us a real potential to get us out of our minds when they go into battle against us unnecessarily.

This Week we are focusing on compassion based energy rejuvenators, as I find these are what help to stimulate our frightened and numbed senses when we are in fear response best.

These work by bypassing our minds to comfort the nervous system so that we are able to release feelings of fear, pain and distress that would otherwise stay stuck in our bodies.

Here are my favourites

I am not prescribing this work, only expressing what helps me.

• Getting into foetus position on the floor- like you are in the womb, here is a photo of what I mean, but I am sure you have got into it before, after a good old cry maybe- and felt how nurturing it is!

• Clasp your hands and gently stroke them with your thumbs- this one is brilliant because you can do it anywhere.

• Body scan- this is a fav because it is soothing and often when I can’t connect to my feelings, I become impatient and wound up. This releases tension and is effective at bringing up feelings.

  A lil body scan I recorded earlier:

None of these are guaranteed to bring you clarity about how you feel every time. However they are have all been effective for me when I have given them a real chance, and am patient with them.

Somatic practices have potential to bring up some pretty intense feelings, it is important to consult professionals for support if ever your feelings become unmanageable.

Please let me know how you get on and if you have any of your own that you particularly like…

I love hearing from you!

Lil xx