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- But what do you REALLY want?
“I want to work with other people, but not in an office all day, I don’t want to be an actor although acting does make me happy, I love cooking but not as a job, I want a family but I should think career first, I shouldn’t just base my aspirations on making money but I should keep it in mind to live comfortably, its a good idea to keep learning for now but I should specialise to make a real job out of it, people, I want to keep meeting and connecting with people, I dont know which kind of people though and I get nervous in long term relationships so I should work on that first”
That is where my mind went when I asked myself what do I want…. Notice how quickly I ended up in ‘shoulds’ - my Over-thinker and Hyper-achiever kicked in, I was sabotaged.
QUICK, grab the nearest pen and paper to you or open up your notes on your phone and for 1 minute, write Excatly what you hear when you ask yourself “what do I want?”
uTteR ChAOs!
Although you may have an answer rehearsed for when people ask you, if you sit down and really think about it, I bet your mind sounds more like that^.
Lil Learning
When I think about what I want, ‘Lil Lurker’ is called upon by a fear. In this case the fear is encouraged by both my O-t and my H-a…
Over-thinker - is scared that my answer isn’t 100% true, that I am not able to work out what I want and so it keeps questioning me.
Hyper-achiever - is scared that what I want isn’t enough, that I am not driven enough to do something impressive, that I will fail, so it keeps pushing me harder.
My H-a even encourages the O-t “If you can’t work out excatly what you really want, you won’t be putting your energy into the right thing and you will fail”
SO SCRAP THEM BOTH RIGHT?
I hear you thinking “But I still need to chose and set goals or I will never get or do anything, let a lone what I want.”
There are lots of self-help resources out there that encourage rigid goal setting. ‘If you are always doubting yourself, just set your goals on paper and stick to them.’ Even the ‘sustainable’ techniques are based on discipline and rules, “Atomic Habits” by James Clear for example, a very popular technique that brings many people a solution to their struggle for success… but not me!
Initially these are an attractive proposition for my O-t, a quick-fix solution and then all I have to do is stick to the plan. My H-a is happy too because these are proven to equal ‘great success’.
But I am still working as a slave to my O-t and H-a. I am still bound by their fears and therefore I can’t find and trust what I truly want.
These techniques reinforce the belief that we can’t have faith in ourselves and that we have to force ourselves/struggle to succeed.
You have heard it before… “if you believe you can or you believe you can’t you are probably right”. So what we really need it to is stop the saboteurs from directing our beliefs.
Want to know how?
Here is a Lil Help sheet
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A Lil Moment of reflection for you too
And a Lil Shift- read it a couple of times, use it as a journal prompt, let your mind play around with it.
Now what are you thinking? Send me a comment, let’s untangle your mind!
There are more Lil Helps and other simple life changing insights in past posts on my website, have a look….
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