Chat GPT recons that I see 100 people a day ( if I go to the shop) when I am at home in Lymington and that now I am back at uni in London, it’s more like 5,000+ daily.
Here I live with two friends in a small flat, we share a bathroom and live pratically ontop of each other — at home I am fortunate to live in a big house with my family, have my own bathroom and we hardly have to share any space.
Here I study in the student centre, it is packed, you have to reserve a desk and each room is filled with at least 100 students all tapping away, chewing, sneezing and even burping! — At home, it’s just me who works in the kitchen.
Here I go to the gym and there is a queue for every machine, people of all shapes and sizes and a lot of skin on show! At home, I do yoga in the garden or go to a gym where I am the youngest by about 40 years. And if i go on a run, it’s more of an interval session, starting and stopping at every crossroad — at home I can run for miles and the only living thing I see is a donkey.
The point is, there are many, MANY more people here! And this makes for the perfect environment for my over-thinker to rear its ugly head.
A Lil Theory
More people = More opportunity for judgement and speculation
We like to judge people, to assert our dominance? to keep ourselves safe? to make sure we don’t miss a trick?
Well technically we judge for survival but when you think about it, our over-thinkers give us a whole load of rubbish in the form of judgement that we don’t need… “they probably spend a fortune on their makeup”, “he is so strong, I bet he is in the rugby team”, “I am sure they have been sat at that computer for hours.”
More people = More opportunity for comparison.
Well my over-thinker, and I am sure yours too, is a sucker for a comparison. It says things like “her hair is far thicker than yours”, “your legs are long but her’s are a much nicer shape”…. Ridiculous I know but when I let my over-thinker in, especially when I am overwhelmed by the crowds in London- I hear a lot of this kind of bollocks.
More people = More opportunity to seek evidence that you aren’t enough
Well that is really what it all boils down to. The predictions, measuring, upward and downward comparisons etc, they are all just our saboteurs finding proof that we are not enough— because our perspective of other people is absolutely reliable evidence for this….
2 reasons why more people = more self-sabotage:
1) well the first is common sense really - there is a larger pool of potential evidence- it is easier to make a believable judgement/comparison.
2) and the second pretty simple too - when we are distracted by all the passers by and the chaos, we are far more likely to be unaware that our over-thinker saboteurs are about. Our Over-thinker works best when we are distracted, because if we know it is the over-thinker speaking to us then we take back most of its power.
A Lil Honest Note - another way that my over-thinker comes up more often when i am at uni is in attention seeking. I notice that when I am here, I spend more time thinking about the way I look and how I come across, I look out for attractive people and hope to catch their eye all the time… even in the library and I HATE IT. I am embarrassed to admit it because it seems to me as simple insecurity and validation seeking but I also know that it isn’t uncommon and like last year, I can practice behaving differently.
Why is it bad for us?
I am not here to fear-monger you, instead I want to help you build your awareness because as I said- become aware of your saboteur and you strip it of most of its strength.
A) It is a waste of brain space, time and energy - it can be all consuming and instead we could be using our brain power to create, discover, connect and learn.
B) It provides us with a constant drip-feed of innacurate information - as it is mostly based on predictions, the majority of the ‘evidence’ isn’t true or even close to the truth. This is because we have very limited information about most of the people we compare ourselves to.
A LIL TIP: I like to remind myself that:
When I walk past someone, I only see them in that moment
When I meet someone, I only know them in that chapter
I have belief tinted glasses - my perception is skewed
My mood heavily impacts how I see and feel
C) It is addictive. The more we do it, the more we need it. It’s as simple as that. BECAUSE…
D) It all reinforces the belief that you are not enough as you are. Yep, even ‘upward’ comparison. Sure, you may compare yourself positively (upward comparison) - e.g. “ I have been working for much longer than she has.” If you need to prove to yourself that you are worthy or respectable or loveable - then you are basically subconsciously repeating to yourself “I AM NOT ENOUGH”. And there is obviously nothing kind or helpful about that!
Soooo, what to do?
You know the drill: AWARENESS - COMPASSION - EMPOWEREMENT - but lets delve into my Lil Tips and Tricks for this specific issue
AWARENESS
I suppose, my awareness is pretty strong- hence my ability to explain how and when my over-thinker is loudest. However, I do have to actively practice this awareness because even with the knowledge, the distraction and overwhelm of stimulation can trip me up into missing my Lil Lurker. (Right now, for example, as ironic as it may be.. I am sat here writing in the library and everyone that walks by- I look at. Why? Because I am in saboteur. Why? Because I fear that I am not enough. Why? Because I chose to believe the Lil Lurker.)
In terms of the over-thinker, I find the strongest form of awareness to combat it is the stuff that is outside of your head.
A LIL TIP: My favourite is writing: in the moment is legendary and at the end of the day- it works magic too, I reflect on when I have been most over-thinker driven.
A LIL EXAMPLE: this is a Lil extract from my journal yesterday “I look at beautiful girls all the time around campus and think- fuck, if only I could be like them… am I like them? Do people think of me like that? Do people Care? I care too much! If only I stopped looking maybe I wouldnt care so much. This is my over-thinker and it’s not helping me right now.” By writing it out- I stop the tumbling mind spin. Sure it might come back but for a moment at least, I have caught and labelled it and in the long run, it adds to my awareness.
Another LIL TRICK: talking about it really works too. Telling a friend that I am busy comparing myself to the other girls in the student centre is embarrassing to be honest, but I went on a stroll with a friend last night and did talk about it… I felt all the better for it!
GET IT OFF YOUR CHEST!
COMPASSION
Stop beating yourself up!
Every time I look up from my computer to see if he has clocked me, I practice saying to myself “hey lil, I am sorry you are feeling insecure but this constant checking isn’t helping you.”
(The more grief you give yourself for behaving this way, the more you actually attach yourself to the behaviour. It becomes something you feel bound to and disempowered to change.)
Dial down the drama- have a read of this post on my website as it explains it ur further but put simply- I remind myself that comparing is normal and natural and that I don’t need to feel like a bad or damaged person for struggling with the feelings that arise from doing it.
Another important tip, is to make life easier for yourself.
Choosing paths from home that I know is less busy
Working in an environment where I can concentrate better- even just facing the wall
Popping my headphones in.
Surrounding myself by positive distractions- people who take me out of my head.
EMPOWERMENT
This is the action one, the best step!
Thoughts like “I chose not to look up” I am choosing not to compare myself” “I am choosing to think more rea;istically and positively” “I chose to write it out and talk about it when it gets overwhelming.”
A LIL TIP Sometimes when my over-thinker is at it too strong, I use LIL REMINDERS phrases or ‘affirmations’ that I write on my phone or on post-its that act as reminders for the Lil Lover voice in my head to latch onto.
I chose to save my brain power and energy for things that make me feel good
I am worthy regardless of any comparison or measurement
A LIL TRICK - this one takes some courage! Opposite action: I have started noticing when I am dressing for someone else or behaving in a way for comparison or attention and I challenge myself to do the opposite action- or just avoid it all together.
The EMPOWERING part can be simplified as building a bank of evidence that proves your over-thinker wrong.
A LIL EXERCISE: quickly jot down in a journal or on your phone the first things that spring to mind- unfiltered- when I ask you “What would you need to believe to prove your over-thinker wrong?” And “What are three ways you can act as if you did believe it were true already?”
E.g. I would need to believe that regardless of how much attention I get on the tube, I look beautiful this evening and I deserve to feel confident.
I will empower myself by listening to fun music
I will smile at myself in the mirror before leaving
I will write on my notes in my phone “I look hot and I am confident” a few times.
You can use this exercise in the moment that your over-thinker arises or in anticipation/preparation for a time that you have previously noticed it rear its ugly head.
Let me know what you think!
Love from Lil
